How to deal with the stages of grief?

Grief involves coping with loss in major life events such as death, divorce, loss of a home or relationship. Everyone grieves differently but there are common responses that can be useful to recognise when facing a loss. Those facing the end of life or a terminal illness often grieve the loss of future hopes and dreams.

What does grief feel like?

Grief is a deeply personal and multifaceted experience. No two experiences of grief are the same. It can be stressful and difficult. Everyone will go through it at some point in their lives and it is difficult to predict the feelings and reactions that may occur.

Emotionally, grief feels like a wave of intense sadness, numbness, emptiness, anger, guilt, and even moments of happiness as you remember your loved ones or the experiences that were had. Mentally, grief can lead to difficulty remembering, concentrating as well as a sense of feeling overwhelmed. Physically, grief can manifest as headaches, muscle aches, fatigue, changes in your sleep patterns and appetite.

Stages of grief

There are no set stages of grief as it is non-linear. You can experience aspects of it at different times and they do not happen in one particular order. You may not experience all the stages and while everyone grieves differently, there are some commonalities.

Stage 1: Denial

Denial serves as a defence mechanism to buffer the immediate shock. It gives you time to absorb the grief more gradually as it numbs the intensity of the situation. As the denial wears off, the emotions will begin to rise.

Stage 2: Anger

Anger is a masking effect, hiding the pain and emotions you carry. Anger can be redirected to other people and even at inanimate objects. While the rational side of your brain knows that the object is not to blame, your feelings in that moment can get too intense to act according to that. Anger may not be clear-cut rage but also resentment or bitterness. As the anger subsides, you will begin to think more rationally.

Stage 3: Bargaining

In the bargaining stage, you might dwell on the ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ thoughts. These are ways of negotiating a way out the pain. This stage may also involve feelings of regret or guilt. You may feel helpless and vulnerable. You may also start making deals with yourself, or God, if you are religious.

Stage 4: Depression

The deep sense of sadness can feel all-encompassing and like a depression. These feelings can feel very intense and painful and can come and go over many months or years. Depression can be difficult and messy, and you may feel confused and heavy.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This does not necessarily mean that you are ok with the loss, or that you have moved past the loss. Rather, it is the acknowledgement of it and that you are learning to live with it. It is about finding the new normal.

How long does grief last?

Grief can last for as long as it lasts. The symptoms will improve as time passes. However, it is important to remember that grief is not linear, and everyone’s grief and timelines are different. There is also never a set time where someone is ‘done’ with grieving. Your connection with your loved ones or the thing you are grieving just becomes integrated into your ongoing life story and becomes part of who you are.

If you are having trouble coping with the loss and it is interfering with your ability to live your life, it is important to reach out to a therapist or grief counsellor.

How to cope with grief?

Coping with grief takes patience and time. There are things that you can do to make it easier. Practising self-care by prioritising eating well, exercising, sleep and other comforting activities. Sticking to a routine can help you regain a sense of control and regulate your emotions. It is also important to acknowledge your emotions by allowing yourself to feel and express them. This can be through crying, journaling or sharing memories. You may choose to isolate yourself from others, such as in the depression stage. However, it is important to reach out to others to remind yourself of the connections you have.

How will I know when I am done grieving?

Everyone’s grief is unique, but recognising feelings, behaviours and thoughts that can surface can provide reassurance that you are not alone. Working through the range of difficult emotions can give you the strength to move forward while continuing to hold a place in your heart for your loved ones and the experiences you have lost.

Getting support

Grief can be extremely overwhelming. If it is interfering with your ability to live your life or if your symptoms have not improved, consider speaking to a therapist or seeking help. There are several resources and organisations that can help.

NHS: Your GP can help you explore the different sources of support that may be available to you.

Cruse Bereavement: Cruse is the UK’s leading bereavement charity that supports people through one of the most painful times in their lives. With bereavement support, information and campaigning Cruse aim to help people get the help that they need.

Samaritans: They offer 24/7 emotional support for anyone in distress, including those grieving.

Grief Matters UK: They provide a range of support ranging from workshops, one-to-one mentoring and practical support for those dealing with bereavement.

Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey that everyone experiences differently. Understanding the emotions and stages involved can help you navigate this difficult time. Remember, it is okay to seek help and take the time you need to heal. By practising self-care, maintaining routines, and reaching out for support, you can find ways to cope with your grief and move forward while honouring the memory of your loved ones and the experiences you have lost.